THAT’S IT! I’M FINISHED! Our trade spends far too much time contemplating its navel. LOOK UP! Most whisky drinkers (47 million bottles to the UK so far in 2004) don’t give a tea-towel what yeast was used, the strain of barley or whether the northernmost, highest, oldest, biggest, rightest or most-uniquest-selling-pointest... USPs? Pah! I just don’t subscribe to that; nor do my customers, if my observations are any good. SWR readers are not that dim [who is?]. So what’s this all about? We’re being led up the path with a overwhelming plethora of bizarre expressions; possibly at the behest of outspoken retailers, whoever they may be. Eleven years ago, when I came into the Whisky trade I appreciated its simplicity: High-, Low-, Spey-, Islay—for starters, then: Light, dark (Bourb. or sherry), and that was it! An easy ride! Sussing who came from where, who was related to who, some tongue-stretching exercises to get the gutturals and intonations right and lo! Expert! (or charlatan?—Whatever). Then came finishes. The first (from Glenmorangie) were interesting, the Mk 2s were good(-ish), and there it should have rested. But they Won’t Go Away. We’re swamped with half-baked nondescript whiskies tarted-up in bizzare wine casks; where’s the whisky? The point about enjoying malt Scotch Whisky is its unique flavours and simplicity of existence, not a multitude of poncy wine tastes, synthesised by novelty obsessed ‘master distillers’ seeking the ultimate USP, and glory at the International Wine & Spirit Competition. Independent bottlers should know better—but they are the worst! Every cask is a prototype. This retailer’s advice to his consumers; don’t buy a whisky with a wood-finish, unless you have tried it yourself or trust a recommendation, some are not good. Seek out genuine whiskies that are bottled by proud producers who don’t have to tart up their products.